I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
