Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
