yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me