Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
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you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.