i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
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I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
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She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳