I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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