i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
