If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
