If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
