you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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