I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
