I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
don't judge my taste in strippers
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
