Sry I called you an 8
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
