can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
3 2 1 whiskey
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
