so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
