Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
