Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
