I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
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You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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