just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
