I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
