I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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