I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
