a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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