He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
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I need you to use more vowels.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
