Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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