Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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