You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
