My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just gargled with NyQuil
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
