So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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