I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
