I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
