Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
