I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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