I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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