If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
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Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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