Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
