i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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