My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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