No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
