You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
