guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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