i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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