new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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