I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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