he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
