haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
