im drinking this country out of the recession.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
