She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
