Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
