Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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