Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dicks are not precious.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
