I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
