I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
