I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
