It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
