That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
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So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
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Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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