lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
