Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
one might say we're banned from that church
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
