mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
