I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize